Mr. Smee: Beard Care

Hallo again! I was pontificating on the process when I saw a sorry sight indeed along the road. From my vantage point of my roof, never a finer place for a rocking chair, I saw a couple of young'ns with a goat-tee majigger. I could not have been more shocked. This is what they are calling beards?

Why, back in my day, we didn't have shaving! We had fire, and that was our only option. When one's grey scarf got to be the length of several eons, there came to be little hope. Someone, somewhere was always stepping on the blasted things. Traffic across the cosmos halted to a standstill, as various principles lead to beard lock.

No one would step off of anyone else's beard, no one could step off of anyone's beard for that matter. It was a disaster of such proportion that it required direct intervention from Phil.

Phil had a good noggin on his shoulders. Twas a shame he never used it. Had it all wrapped up in duct tape for some reason. We couldn't figure out why, save that he was Phil. Anyway, because of his duct tape his beard didn't grow, and as such he was our only hope.

Phil devised several wild and ingenious schemes that didn't work before he resulted to changing the laws of physics. You see, fire didn't burn like it does now in those days. Fire was more like spaghetti, flopping all over the place while charcoaling what it touched. I still don't eat italian.

It worked perfectly, minus the caustic burns to the chins and foot inflammations. It was only after that Phil realised the full potential of all the razors we had lying around. If only Jake had known. Poor fellow burned all of his hair, not just his beard.

That's why we ancient folk grow foot long beards. It is to remind us of that awful day, so that we and the next generation will not repeat such mistakes. It is not something to be turned into a fashion! Whippersnappers!

Learn some proper beard care. All you need is a giant axe and a beard of over three feet. Place the beard on a log or stump, and chop!

You'd think the youths would have been grateful for my wisdom.