Vacation ends.

It's been wild, fun, exciting, crazy, and a whole slew of adjectives the likes of which the world has seen many times before. The myriad of interesting variations our inter-familial activities created in our interactions was astounding. The whole thing was a blast.

Yet there can be little as chilling as returning to one's apartment, finding none of the dear relatives who had been guests in the humble abode I call home. It is all so empty.

Everything I have, everything I see, it's all empty when I'm alone. There isn't a video game I own, a picture I can view, or word I can type that isn't a painful reminder that the people I care about most are beyond my daily reach. Whether they were present at this family reunion or not, the gaping holes left by friends and family distant fail to mask the void of a bachelor pad and a lonely bachelor.

I feel as though the very walls scream at me. Beating against me for my solitude, railing at the lack of social activity I muster to fill the stagnant rooms of my residence. Even as I type my concentration falters for the complete lack of people.

There are times where I enjoy being alone. I can say that as much as 50% of my waking hours and days are pretty much required to be away from society. Unfortunately my current conditions leave me precious little interaction with my peers. What little social activity I have is largely with people decades my senior, great people but far removed from the thoughts, needs, and desires of a man still fresh out of college. As it stands what should be free time spent inviting friends over for poker, Wii, or a movie are instead flittered away without company.

Honestly, I don't know how to make friends. I'm not the kind of person who goes out on their own motivations. Despite the ease of demeanor I display in social situations I am not one who begins them, but must instead be directed to them by others. When the number of others directing me to said situations is zero the nature of my problem becomes apparent.

I fully realize how ludicrous it seems. The simple answer it to force myself to go out there and meet people, find a group or something. However, the simple answer for what to do when bitten by a highly venomous creature is to completely sever the affected area from oneself immediately. Simple completely fails to address the difficulty associated with said solution and even the practicality thereof.

So I'm left with my conundrum, and the painfully empty apartment.


jocelyn said...

I miss you.

I understand, though.

Even though I had "some" friends when I moved here to Baltimore, I had to go out and fine art/photography and other crazy groups to hang out with. All on my own. All in fear that I'd be rejected. All _incredibly_ awkward.

I've had to go through the awkward phase of inviting strangers over for dinner. I've had odd conversations where I know that both members wanted to leave as soon as they possibly could.

It's really, really painful to make new friends and have your dear ones far away. Never think that I don't know that. I'm just not going through it right now like you are. And honestly, it's probably harder for you than for me, because of our personalities and situations.

I'm praying for you, bud. I have every confidence that you can charm the pants off people. The thing is that you have to be willing to practice. It's like stretching your muscles every day--eventually you'll be able to do more than just touch your toes... splits, wild kicks in the air, and more.

I hereby assign you a daily routine of "relational stretching."

I love you.

Anonymous said...

Love you bro! You'll manage. Look for opportunities and throttle them into submission!