Today's Fortune: No Future

Today's fortune cookie did not have a fortune in it. I can therefore only assume I have no future.

I mean, I suppose I could succumb to the wishful thinking that this was some sort of mechanical error on the part of the fortune cookie machines, but we all know that's impossible.

Fortune: Pack Your Bags

Today's fortune cookie reads: "Pack your bags. You're bound for an exciting destination!"

Oddly, I'm actually going camping in a few weeks. I... crap I need to prepare for that don't I?

Today's Fortune: Wonderful

Today's fortune cookie reads: "Something wonderful is about to happen to you."

For some reason all I can think of is one of those slimy villains who is so very congenial and pleasant talking to an unsuspecting victim just prior to some bizarre, deadly experiment is performed on them and they because a mutant cow person, mind slave or a pile of goo.

Today's Fortune: Direct, Reprised

Today's fortune cookie reads: "You are direct, and others often appreciate this quality in you."

The rest of the time they wish I would stop saying, "I told you so."

Today's Fortune: Soil

Today's fortune cookie reads: "Not every soil can bear all things. Be practical."

Welp. There goes my spaghetti garden.

Today's Fortune: Goodness

Today's fortune cookie reads: "You believe in the goodness of people."

This is true. I also believe in the inherent stupidity of people. In fact, this is objectively demonstrable. SEE: The internet. QED.

Today's Fortune: Wealth

Today's fortune cookie reads: "Wealth is a state of mind."

There is actually some depth to this, but at the same time I can't get out of my head the image of a drunken hobo screaming "I'm king of the world!" while being dragged off the streets by police officers for disturbing the peace.

Today's Fortune: Sincerity

Today's fortune cookie reads: "You are a true and sincere friend."

While flattering, I'm now considering the logical possibilities of "true" but "insincere" friends, and "false" but "sincere" friends. What would they even look like, and how would Hollywood try and cram them into a summer movie.

Today's Fortune: Future

Today's fortune cookie reads: "You do not have to worry about your future."

Is that a threat?

Today's Fortune: Leadership

Today's fortune cookie reads: "Your leadership talents will bring you an incredible opportunity."

This sounds like the opening pitch to one of those Nigerian prince emails. Speaking of which...

Today's Fortune: Moved

Today's fortune cookie reads: "Others are deeply moved by your presence."

I give this one the award for least amount of effort, not because no effort went into crafting this fortune but because I can apparently, without effort, touch the very souls of others simply by standing around in their general vicinity.

Today's Fortune: Love, plus a Bonus

Today's fortune cookie reads: "You will always be surrounded by those who love you."

CIRCLE THE WAGONS, WE'RE SURROUNDED!


Bonus Grannyism: "Smile - it makes people wonder what you're up to."

Uh, thanks Sweet Leaf for that insight.

Today's Fortune: Adventure

Today's fortune cookie reads: "Get ready for a daring adventure."

The question is, will this be my adventure or am I one of the NPCs that says, "Welcome to our village!" no matter how many times you talk to them?

Today's Fortune: Accomplishments

Today's fortune cookie reads: "You are admired for your accomplishments."

And here I thought I was admired for the stuff I hadn't accomplished.

Today's Fortune: Pleasure

Today's fortune cookie reads: "Pleasure awaits your company."

This sounds less like a fortune and more like a bad advertisement for a gentleman's club.

Today's Fortune: Misunderstanding

Today's fortune cookie reads: "Avoid misunderstanding by keeping your ears open."

It's trying to be profound, but it ends up just coming across like a commercial for earwax removal.

Today's Fortune: Attention

Today's fortune cookie reads: "You are the center of attention."

I don't care unless I am the center of a lady's attention.

Today's Fortune: Direct

Today's fortune cookie reads: "The most direct approach isn't always the best."

And here I thought driving directly through other cars and red lights would get me home faster.

This one is actually close to real wisdom, which surprised me. It's fairly trite without context, but it's something you'd reasonably expect a parent to impart on their children in appropriate circumstances.

Today's Fortune: Trivial

Today's fortune cookie reads: "Do not burden yourself with trivial matters."

This one confuses me. Normally when you hear a line like this you have one character freaking out about the details of various things and then their sensei or good friend says this and tries to calm them down. It usually ends with at least a glum, reluctant acceptance from the control freak or a complete breakdown.

So what, exactly, is the fortune cookie company expecting to happen while eating their food that warrants an intervention of this type?

Today's Fortune: Travel

Today's fortune cookie reads: "You are going to travel somewhere far away."

Note the complete lack of qualifiers dictating when this will happen, and the vagueness of "far away" as a term of distance.